The (Late) Night Cap

Every now and then we just need a shitty late night snack. Maybe we've had enough drinks to chant, "treat yourself!" or we've convinced ourselves we're going to wake up early, make a green smoothie and go for a run. Whatever the circumstances are, you should respect yourself enough to eat your trashy snack in style, so why not accompany your late night cap with a drink?

We've paired every late night trash snack imaginable with a cocktail that is sophisticated enough to make you feel a little bit better about yourself. Don't skim right past the snazzy cocktail name, chances are you have the fixings to make at least a couple of these beverages, cause' they're not actually that fancy, only in comparison to your 2 AM meal. But if you don't have any hard alcohol or these ingredients in your kitchen just pour a high life in a champagne flute.  


Greasy Take Out Chinese Food ~ Beer

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We'll start with one of the most classic pairings. With that big ol' container of salty MSG you're gonna be parched, no doubt about it, and nothing quenches your thirst quite like an ice cold beer. Well maybe water but let's not get into that. Go for a lighter beer, like a pilsner or saison. If you're really dedicated, stop by the store and grab a Sapporo or Asahi. Japanese rice beers pair with nearly every Chinese food dish because they cut the oiliness and are light in favor against the soy sauce and salt. 

Hostess Cupcakes ~ Red Wine

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Again, not the most surprising duo. Chocolate + red wine is a no brainer. But you can't forget how complex the holy hostess cupcake is. We've got three flavor profiles here: the chocolate cake, the fudge topping, and ... drum role ... the cream filling. Opt for a Cabernet Sauvignon because it's chocolates favorite friend (but honestly whatever you have half full on top of your fridge will suffice). 

Hot Pockets ~ Cuba Libre

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It almost feels wrong drinking while eating hot pockets. As if you just went back in time to your 13 year old bedroom and you're watching Clarissa Explains It All at 2 in the morning, chatting with your crush on AIM, housing a pepperoni and cheese hot pocket. If your mom knew you were up this late she'd be pissed, let alone if you were drinking. So we'll cover this one up as a refreshing coca cola so you don't completely lose your innocence. But...we'll sneak some rum and lime in there. 

Pizza ~ Negroni

 photo by Effie Drew

photo by Effie Drew

A classic Italian pairing, right? I'm not sure what your late night pizza of choice is, but if you're like everyone else in the world, it really doesn't matter. Everyones pizza preferences go out the window past 1 AM. Desperate times, desperate measures. But if you're the one making the call, I'd go simple with a Margherita.  

Hot Dog ~ The New Englander

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This may be the Mainer in me sneaking out, okay it definetly is, but hot dogs and Moxie? True perfection. This cocktail comes right from the Moxie website and it's a gem. Gin, moxie, and Worcestershire. Leave the Worcestershire out if it puts you off, but if you haven't had red devil dogs, you have no idea how much that sauce loves hot dogs. 

7 Eleven Taquito ~ Paloma

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A taquito obviously needs to be washed down with tequila, considering 7 eleven makes really authentic taquitos. Make sure you have a good grapefruit juice that's not too sweetened, you'll need the tartness to cut the pounds of salt and oil in those tasty little taquitos. 

Cheetos ~ Bloody Mary

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Okay, so this might be your morning snack if you're on a bender and have made it to sunrise, or maybe you woke up st 230 PM on a Sunday so it definitely feels like morning to you. Whatever time of day/night it is, this combo cannot be beat. Plus we all know how beneficial Bloody Mary's are for that looming hangover. Take care of yourself and shove some cheetos in your pie hole. 

Big Mac ~ Manhattan 

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Burgers have a lot of friends. But their oldest friend might be whisky. Sweet and smoky mixed with the charred burger is a sublime taste. Just because your dinner is wrapped in paper doesn't mean your drink shouldn't be in a martini glass.  

A Pint of Ice Cream ~ Fernet 

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I say pint of ice cream as opposed to bowl of ice cream because everyone in the drunk history has taken a big ol spoon to the carton and fell asleep with it on the couch. You're not foolin' anyone when you take a bowl out of the cabinet. So once you're past the denial phase, grab a drink and chill out. Since your desert is so creamy, you'll want to go with a simple fernet. No frills. That medicinal digestif will soothe your stomache and the spins, all while tasting so damn good.

Gummies ~ Vodka Soda

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Remeber soaking sour patch kids in shitty bottles of vodka in high school? That was the worst. I miss it. Gummies have a lot going on - sweet, sour, chewy. You have to go simple with this one. Grab a bag of gummy peaches and slurp down a vodka soda. Drop a couple gummies in your glass for good measure. 

Banquet Chicken Pot Pie ~  Cider

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These little pot pies are amazing and no one can convince me otherwise. The best part about these, as frustrating as it can be, is how long these take in the oven. Why? Because you forget about them until you catch of whiff of that drool worthy scent. A dry cider is the way to go with this creamy gravy based dish. It will quench your thirst while complimenting the texture. One of my favorites is Unified Press from Citizen Ciders. All their ciders are awesome, especially their Brosé, it's life changing. 

Nachos ~ Margarita

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The two best friends! Late night nachos often look like a train wreck. One time I didn't even use shredded cheese, I just smacked a slice of cheddar on there, and I loved every minute of it. One time I used Fritos as opposed to tortilla chips, also loved every minute of it. So ultimately no matter how tragic and sad your plate of "nachos" look, they will at least involve chips and cheese and that makes the cut in my book. But! Your drink doesn't have to be sad too. And you should always have tequila and lime in your house.